I am grateful
I am Grateful everyday
I am grateful for my love, my life, my friends and my family. I am grateful forthis man who loves me and cares for me. This is a prayer, a declaration that I say everyday. A prayer that lives in my every breath.
I am grateful for all of life's blessings
I am grateful and yet my heart aches...
It longs for the love that comes with sisterhood.
The laughter, the full round laughter that comes as a natural reflection of that sisterly love. The laughter that only women can share/
My soul longs for that conversation that flows so easy from gossipy chatter to the the truth that truth that only a sister girl can know.
I long for the "hey girl" and "Girl!" and the "girrrl" that has so many meanings and can say so much.
I miss the comfort and understanding of laughter through tears. Because her tears are mine and my tears are hers.
I long for the bond that only two women can share in love and in friendship
I miss her. God I miss her.
More than my friend but my sister.
It has been a few years since Tiana dies and I still can't see to get over it, or past it. Whatever you are supposed to do when someone you love dies.
For me she was more than just my friend. It was like she understood me better than anyone else and when she dies I was afraid (and sometimes I am still afraid) that know one will ever be that close to me again.
We fought hard but no matter what I always knew she would be there. From boys to men, through college into careers we were there for each other. I have lost other people in my life, people that mean a great deal to me but I have never felt anything so deeply and completely as this.
We shared most of our "first" with one another. First date, first kiss, first boyfriend, First... (The one thing we had in common with that particular first is that they both...SUCKED!) We planned our lives together. We lived our lives together. The plan was to be fabulous women who married fabulous men and we would vacation together and raise our families together, grow old together. I used to imagine us as the coolest grandmothers in the world with many pictures on the mantel of our (mis)adventures. We would sit on the porch our one of our backyards and watch our grandkids run around while making fun of our husbands trying to get the bar-b-que grill started.
When she found out she was sick the doctors suspected she may be pregnant. So we sat down and worked out a plan to deal with the possibility of her being pregnant. We figured like everything else, w would do it together. (Besides her boyfriend at the time was a great guy and we were certain he would be around so that was defineitely not a concern) But then the doctors said CANCER! I though I was gonna fall over. She was strong and she foght until the very end.
Watching her slowly die was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
She was smart, funny, chic and sassy but best of all she was down for whatever adventure I could come up with. Whether is was trekking through the mountains of peru or climbing pyramids in Mexico, or flying to vegas for a Lenny Kravitz concert and then flying right back to go to work. She even flew to Florida with me to check out a salsa club and go to a foam party. Whatever my momentary obsession (including WWE - wrestling) she was supportive and even participated.
Even in the end whenthings were starting to really get bad she was still sassy and funny. She said she would fight until she couldn't and that is exactly what she did. Even whenthe doctors and her own family were telling her that she should just let go and that it is too much she kept fighting. But in the end she didn't win that fight. And now, I sometimes just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where to go when things becoem challenging and I don't feel like I have many people in my life that I can trust with my emotional self they way that I trusted her.
Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends but they have thier own lives and their own issues to deal with and even though I know that they love and are there for me. It just isn't the same. ther person I thought would always be there for me is still ther for me things just aren't the same. It turns out after 51/2 years toegether he realized... I am not the one! Go figure. I wanted to be mad about it, but I just can't. But when I wanted to cry about it, whenI wanted to shout about it, hit something, rage and be destructive there was no one there to do it with. So every so often I take a moment and just cry a little to myself. For myself. About the loss of a relationship but more importantly the loss of my friend.
I miss you Tiana...
Thank you Isaac for encouragening me to blog. I actualy feel alot better and unlike you, I don't care if anyone reads my blog...
