Easier with time

After Tiana died people kept telling me how it would get easier with time but I think they lied. Maybe that is what people say when there is a death because they don't know what else to say. I have missed her everyday since she got sick and the day she died I couldn't even imagine my life the next day let alone years later. My entire identity changed. It is strange how we can define ourselves through our relationships. I have never defined myself through my male female relationships but I did put a lot of weight in my relationship with her. She was my significant other. My plus one...
Maybe the void that I felt when she died made me more vulnerable to my next relationship. I was trying to ground myself again. I don't regret that relationship because in the end it did lead me back to myself. I got a few cuts and bruises but nothing fatal, I may even be a little broken but I am gonna say those cracks give character like old teak wood. Lol! Did I just compare myself to old wood...
Tiana was the coolest person I have ever met. She was a little reserved when I met her but once she let her guard down there was no stopping her. She was exactly who she wanted to be, most of the time. It is difficult to be your authentic self all of the time because there are always those people close to us that we love very much that have an idea of us in their heads and they are so focused on the image they created that they except nothing else and we love them so much that for them we become that idea. She was no exception and she made no apologies for that either.
You didn't have to like Tiana and if you didn't as far as she was concerned it was your loss and she didn't loose to much time over it. There were things that she was just beyond, to good or too much for and that was just the way it is... Now if you want to rise to her level then great but if not she will wave to you from the tower... I absolutely adored that about her... I asked her once about the pedestal she placed herself on and she told me that if she didn't do it for herself then who would... She assured me that I had nothing to worry about because she had saved a place for me next to her on that pedestal. She even forgave me for slumming it on occasion because we were connected and my adventures made life more interesting.
Just like she never apologized for who she was as a person she never made me apologize either. If I decided it was time for an adventure than we had an adventure. On occassin I get restless and need to get into a little mischief and on those occasions she would always come along for the ride. As we got older what we conidered an adventure reflected our maturity. Whereas when we were teenagers adventure was sneaking to SD to go clubbing was exciting and our early 20's adventure was flying to Florida for a party and coming right back the next morning for finals was an adventure and then there was partying until the sun came up in Jamaica after spending a month in Peru. There were so many things to see and do in this life and we had made plans to so it all together. I lost my partner.
I never worried about a man in my life because I knew she would always be there to be my support. So I her death was a huge life blow. My realm of possibilities had changed significantly. What was once a given was now an obstacle. My plans had changed. My possibilities had lost their shape.
I cannot say that my grief has gotten easier with time. It is just different. My reality was changed and my possibilities shifted. My entire life perspective is now something else entirely. Before I was a political scientist out to change the world through global politics. Now, I still want to impact the world and bring attention to global issues and politics I just want to do it though and entirely different means. I don't think Tiana would be surprised at all about this change because she always knew me better than I knew myself better than anyone knew me.
I guess I had started the transition before she passed and even in death she made sure to give me what I needed to move forward. After that first acting class I was hooked but I was scared. There is no immediate security in the entertainment industry. There is no way to plan in this industry. I was so scared of the possibility of failure. For some people that may be a hard idea to believe but I really do hate to be bad at something and to be bad at something publicly is horrible.
For my final performance in my acting class we had to act out a 2 person scene. I worked so hard and my partner probably hated me but I wanted to bring the same focus to my acting as I did to my poly sci classes. After the performance Tiana came up to me and hugged me so tightly. She told me that she didn't know I could do that but she always thought I could. I told her it was fun and tried to play it off but she wasn't having it she told me we would talk about it later and later did come but by then she was sick and I was just to scared to focus on my life without her so Tiana put on her best Oscar Winning performance and in her most sickliest voice she beckoned me to her bedside and told me to take her hand, or course I did. She told me I would have to make her a promise, I told her I would... of course... She made me promise that I would follow this path and see where it goes at least give it a full on balls to the wall effort. I tried to back out of the promise but then she started coughing and I got scared so I made the promise withe tears in my eyes. Her coughs became chuckles and the chuckles became full out laughter. Although she was sick she was faking it! But the promise was made.
This road has been difficult and I am sure the challenges are not yet behind me but I am so grateful that she loved me and could see things in me that I couldn't see for myself. I may never had that kind of connection with anyone ever again but I am so grateful for the time I had.
The adventures that we planned to have, the places we planned to see, I will still do them and carry my friend with me.
I don't want to discount the friends that I still have or the ones that I have made. Life is good and I am blessed. I have amazing women in my life that love and support me and pick me up on my down days. Tiana left me in good hands.
So I thank them... Bianca, Lauren, Ester, Jana'e, Rahima, Raychel and of course the countless other women that influence my daily life... You guys are awesome and I am so glad God blessed me by putting you in my life.