Owning My Truth

On My Soapbox. Own My Truth

The other day I was having a conversation with Sherease about owning your truth. So thought what is my truth?

 I grew up around drugs, drug dealers, addicts and the occasional pimp with his accompanying hoe, HA!! How’s that for a truth bomb. Betcha didn’t know that! But that isn’t the truth I was talking about.

Since the ripe old age of 8 I’ve had a plan for my life. I was watching People’s Court on television and thought… I can do that. So I tell my mom, “momma I want to be a judge.” In true mom fashion she said, “Well, I guess that means we are going to be a judge.” Cause that’s how mom rolls. Everything is ‘We’.

So from that point on I knew what I had to do. I had a plan. The plan got me all the way through high school and through college for the most part. College, the end of college is when things kind of unraveled for the first time. I was burned out, and needed a break so I decided to travel. Don’t misunderstand. I wasn’t trying to ‘find’ myself. I knew exactly who I was. After all I had a plan. I was just taking a breather. And besides a little traveling would serve me well if I was going to become a judge. I spent the summer in South Africa. My person, my life was never the same. (A few more threads had unraveled; I just didn’t know it yet)

After Africa (is there ever really an after Africa, Lol) I was supposed to head off to the illustrious and highly competitive halls of law school. I didn’t like it so I didn’t go. So what to do? This was not in the plan. My identity up until this point had be based on becoming an attorney then judge. Every decision made was in anticipation of this specific future. I needed time to regroup and come up with a new plan.

I got a job. A very corporate job. With benefits and a 401k and everything. I hated it! Time for a new plan.

I was approached by the Navy and I considered it. Took all the test, went to the MEPS, talked about which community I was going to join, the whole thing. Then September 11^th happened and everybody’s lives changed.

So I went back to school. Woo Hoo Graduate School, here I come. Now here is when things REALLY start to unravel. I took some more time to travel, cause I can! My best friend and I had an amazing adventure, Atlanta, Miami, Peru and finally Jamaica, we were supposed to go to Cuba but it didn't happen. I’m still a little raw from that one. Things were going great in school. I found a new goal. Political Liaison for an International woman’s organization. YES!! I would help and empower women in lesser developed countries. Everything is right again with the world. I HAVE A PLAN!! Finish Graduate School, my best friend and I would move out of the country and have horribly fantastic lives of adventure. That was the NEW plan.

Going into my last year of Grad School a couple of things happened, I stumbled into and an acting class, I met a boy and my best friend got sick and died. All three would change the trajectory of my life from this moment on. 

I had my first performance as an actor before she passed, she told me that not only does she expect me to finish grad school, ON TIME but I better give this acting thing a real try.

I never had an interest in acting before then and there is no way to have a plan in the entertainment business. There are no real steps to follow that will get you to the point you desire. There are no tests that once passed you are now an actor able to make a living.

Now here is where the real truth comes in… For the first time in my life I had no plan, no possibility of a plan, my anchor was gone and I felt alone. I wanted everything to just stop. Stop moving so I could catch up or just stop moving. I didn’t have it together and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to pull it together. So I did what any actor does. I faked it I was working and moving through life for the first time without a plan!!

I didn't realize it at the time but I had never fallen off the path, I had never messed up the plan. Well at least not God’s plan. Mine was shot to sh*t but His seemed to be perfectly intact with just the right amount of distractions and sights along the way to make it interesting.

Now I am a producer, director, writer, actor… Now I am a storyteller. He gave me LOTS of stories to tell and blessed me with an appreciation for other people’s stories. This path, this plan is full of obstacles, set backs and challenges. And to be honest sometimes it just sucks and I get discourage and sad BUT I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be even when it's a struggle to pay the bills and I have worked two months straight with no days off.

So in owning my truth I have to accept that I don’t always have a plan or have it together and sometimes it sucks but I keep going and I am blessed to know that with all of my failed plans I found my purpose.

Easier with time

After Tiana died people kept telling me how it would get easier with time but I think they lied. Maybe that is what people say when there is a death because they don't know what else to say. I have missed her everyday since she got sick and the day she died I couldn't even imagine my life the next day let alone years later. My entire identity changed. It is strange how we can define ourselves through our relationships. I have never defined myself through my male female relationships but I did put a lot of weight in my relationship with her. She was my significant other. My plus one...
Maybe the void that I felt when she died made me more vulnerable to my next relationship. I was trying to ground myself again. I don't regret that relationship because in the end it did lead me back to myself. I got a few cuts and bruises but nothing fatal, I may even be a little broken but I am gonna say those cracks give character like old teak wood. Lol! Did I just compare myself to old wood...
Tiana was the coolest person I have ever met. She was a little reserved when I met her but once she let her guard down there was no stopping her. She was exactly who she wanted to be, most of the time. It is difficult to be your authentic self all of the time because there are always those people close to us that we love very much that have an idea of us in their heads and they are so focused on the image they created that they except nothing else and we love them so much that for them we become that idea. She was no exception and she made no apologies for that either.
You didn't have to like Tiana and if you didn't as far as she was concerned it was your loss and she didn't loose to much time over it. There were things that she was just beyond, to good or too much for and that was just the way it is... Now if you want to rise to her level then great but if not she will wave to you from the tower... I absolutely adored that about her... I asked her once about the pedestal she placed herself on and she told me that if she didn't do it for herself then who would... She assured me that I had nothing to worry about because she had saved a place for me next to her on that pedestal. She even forgave me for slumming it on occasion because we were connected and my adventures made life more interesting.
Just like she never apologized for who she was as a person she never made me apologize either. If I decided it was time for an adventure than we had an adventure. On occassin I get restless and need to get into a little mischief and on those occasions she would always come along for the ride. As we got older what we conidered an adventure reflected our maturity. Whereas when we were teenagers adventure was sneaking to SD to go clubbing was exciting and our early 20's adventure was flying to Florida for a party and coming right back the next morning for finals was an adventure and then there was partying until the sun came up in Jamaica after spending a month in Peru. There were so many things to see and do in this life and we had made plans to so it all together. I lost my partner.
I never worried about a man in my life because I knew she would always be there to be my support. So I her death was a huge life blow. My realm of possibilities had changed significantly. What was once a given was now an obstacle. My plans had changed. My possibilities had lost their shape.
I cannot say that my grief has gotten easier with time. It is just different. My reality was changed and my possibilities shifted. My entire life perspective is now something else entirely. Before I was a political scientist out to change the world through global politics. Now, I still want to impact the world and bring attention to global issues and politics I just want to do it though and entirely different means. I don't think Tiana would be surprised at all about this change because she always knew me better than I knew myself better than anyone knew me.
I guess I had started the transition before she passed and even in death she made sure to give me what I needed to move forward. After that first acting class I was hooked but I was scared. There is no immediate security in the entertainment industry. There is no way to plan in this industry. I was so scared of the possibility of failure. For some people that may be a hard idea to believe but I really do hate to be bad at something and to be bad at something publicly is horrible.
For my final performance in my acting class we had to act out a 2 person scene. I worked so hard and my partner probably hated me but I wanted to bring the same focus to my acting as I did to my poly sci classes. After the performance Tiana came up to me and hugged me so tightly. She told me that she didn't know I could do that but she always thought I could. I told her it was fun and tried to play it off but she wasn't having it she told me we would talk about it later and later did come but by then she was sick and I was just to scared to focus on my life without her so Tiana put on her best Oscar Winning performance and in her most sickliest voice she beckoned me to her bedside and told me to take her hand, or course I did. She told me I would have to make her a promise, I told her I would... of course... She made me promise that I would follow this path and see where it goes at least give it a full on balls to the wall effort. I tried to back out of the promise but then she started coughing and I got scared so I made the promise withe tears in my eyes. Her coughs became chuckles and the chuckles became full out laughter. Although she was sick she was faking it! But the promise was made.
This road has been difficult and I am sure the challenges are not yet behind me but I am so grateful that she loved me and could see things in me that I couldn't see for myself. I may never had that kind of connection with anyone ever again but I am so grateful for the time I had.
The adventures that we planned to have, the places we planned to see, I will still do them and carry my friend with me.
I don't want to discount the friends that I still have or the ones that I have made. Life is good and I am blessed. I have amazing women in my life that love and support me and pick me up on my down days. Tiana left me in good hands.
So I thank them... Bianca, Lauren, Ester, Jana'e, Rahima, Raychel and of course the countless other women that influence my daily life... You guys are awesome and I am so glad God blessed me by putting you in my life.

Lemon Cake

Okay... My grandmother's cousin Verleen has been baking me a lemon cake every summer for my birthday for as long as I can remember. This is the best cake I think I have ever tasted and the fact that she only makes this cake once a year of course adds to the mystic of the cake. She actually uses real lemons. Now I have no idea what she does or how she does it, all I know is it is awesome covered in lemon icing.
Now I know what you’re thinking... Lemon cake with lemon icing... Eww that's too much lemon... But I am here to tell ya... It's not! The cake is a little tart and the icing is sweet making it the perfect lemon combination.
A few years ago Tiana and I had convinced Verleen to make the cake twice a year... Once in the summer and then in the winter (for our Christmas Party), this cake was so good that we would race home after work to get a piece. I remember Tiana actually coming home for lunch just to get a piece of Lemon cake.
This one year in particular we asked for two cakes. One for the party and one for the house. Verleen said she would do it but we had to supply the lemons. Not a problem we would gladly buy the lemons but before we could go get them my grandmother went out and got them. SO hooray! for grandma's. Right?
The day we went to pick the cake up. Tiana insisted on going with me because she didn't want me to cut the cake without her for fear I would eat too much and limit how much she was able to eat. This cake was serious business. I think we even left work a little early that day... Anyway, we get to grandma's house and there is a cake and a half there.
WHAT! A half a cake! What was my grandmother doing? This is bad juju on her part. As calmly as possible I asked my grandmother what happened to the other half of the cake. At this point Tiana was beyond words he just sat in the leather chair by the kitchen staring at my grandmother.
My grandmother proceeded to tell some story about somebody’s daughter wanting to try the cake and how her birthday had just past and blah, blah, blah... I assure that nobody in that room besides my grandmother cared if that little girl had ever tasted Verleen's lemon cake. I know I didn't. She had rationalized her actions with the idea that Tiana and I wouldn't be able to eat two cakes...But we could eat both cakes. That would be one each. But the plan wasn't for us to eat both cakes. It was to use one for the party and to save one for us. Duh! That's why we asked for two. Grandma shoulda asked for one. Who is she to give away something that doesn't even belong to her? (Then again if you know my grandma then you know that she gives away stuff all the time its the under her room clause. She feels she has access and dominion over anything in her domain... Its Q.C.'s law.)
So when Tiana and I get home we realize we have some decisions to make. Not difficult ones but decisions none the less... How do we keep the whole cake and use the half for the party. Now to just serve half a cake on a platter would be tacky. We need to camouflage it. So we cut the cake up into little slices and fan them out on a serving dish with little slivers of candied lemons and some green leafy thing as additional garnish. (I know clever huh?)
The cake was gone before the first hour was up. It was a huge hit. And our whole cake rested nicely in our breadbox away from grubby fingers and wanting eyes.
The next day we sat in the living room gorging ourselves on lemon cake and milk. (Tiana was lactose intolerant for her this was truly an act of gluttony) Ken of course suspected that there was more cake than we had served and made his way back to our house the next day. He blackmailed us into sharing it with him by threatening to tell all of our friends that we were holding out on them. So we figured it was better to share with one other person than several. Right? So we cut him in on the lemon cake caper.

Unfortunately the two cakes a year deal didn't last. Verleen had a few health issues and wasn't always up to it but I understand. No matter how much I love this cake I wouldn't risk Verleen's health to get it. (But I would be lying if I didn't say there wasn't a moment... Naw just kidding... I love Verleen)

Last year she was too sick to bake, so there was no lemon cake. The year before, her daughter died and well, no cake. The year before that her husband had a heart attack and well... no cake then either.... (My grandma tried to bake one and pass it off but it was a cheap copy and there is no foolin and trained pallet such as mine. It was good but it was not Verleen's lemon cake. God bless her for tryin.)

So, this year how excited was I when on my weekly visit to my grandmother's house she told me that Verleen had baked me a cake and she was waiting for it to cool so she could ice it! Yay! So after choir rehearsal I go to grandma's house and get me cake. Woohoo!
What does my grandmother do... She offers a piece to her next-door neighbor. So boo on her for once again giving away something that doesn't belong to her... But I guess it is okay since he was the one that gave Verleen the Lemons to make the cake.

Okay... I finally get home, eat dinner and now it is time to reward myself with a little cake... Isaac of course can't stand to see me with anything has to have a slice too... He is such a copycat! After eating the first piece and watching a little television I decide to have a second piece. After all it's mine and it’s been years since she made a cake. It would be wrong to not indulge a little. Right? (Well that what I am going with.)

As I am cutting my second piece of cake Isaac tells me "No, you can't eat that! (what!?) Remember your goals. Don't come complaining to me about how you need to double up on your workouts at the gym (I will and so what?!) Here's what I am gonna do for you... I am gonna take half of the cake to work with me tomorrow... blah, blah, blah...)
At this point I am laughing so hard I almost chocked. Obviously this man doesn't realize the depth of my relationship with the particular treat. Now everyone that knows me is aware of my propensity to be self-indulgent and the great lengths I am will to go to satisfy this part of myself... ESPECIALLY HIM! So why oh why would this little Puerto Rican man take such a chance with his own safety. All I can say is PRAY FOR HIM Y'ALL... If the man takes my cake we are gonna have a misunderstanding...

Lemon Cake

Okay... My grandmother's cousin Verleen has been baking me a lemon cake every summer for my birthday for as long as I can remember. This is the best cake I think I have ever tasted and the fact that she only makes this cake once a year of course adds to the mystic of the cake. She actually uses real lemons. Now I have no idea what she does or how she does it, all I know is it is awesome covered in lemon icing.
Now I know what your thinking... Lemon cake with lemon icing...eww that's too much lemon... But I am here to tell ya... It's not! The cake is a little tart and the icing is sweet making it the perfect lemon combination.
A few years ago Tiana and I had convinced Verleen to make the cake twice a year... Once in the summer and then in the winter (for our Christmas Party) This cake was so good that we would race home after work to get a piece. I remember Tiana actually coming home for lunch just to get a piece of Lemon cake.
This one year in particular we asked for two cakes. One for the party and one for the house. Verleen said she would do it but we had to supply the lemons. Not a problem we would gladly buy the lemons but before we could go get them my grandmother went out and got them. SO hooray! for grandma's. Right?
The day we went to pick the cake up. Tiana insisted on going with me because she didn't want me to cut the cake without her for fear I would eat to much and limit how much she was able to eat. This cake was serious business. I think we even left work a little early that day... Anyway, we get to grandma's house and there is a cake and a half there.
WHAT! A half a cake! What was my grandmother doing. This is bad juju on her part. As calmly as possible I asked my grandmother what happened to the other half of the cake. At this point Tiana was beyond words he just sat in the leather chair by the kitchen staring at my grandmother.
My grandmother proceeded to tell some story about somebodies daughter wanting to try the cake and how her birthday had just past and blah, blah, blah... I assure that nobody in that room besides my grandmother cared if that little girl had ever tasted Verleen's lemon cake. I know I didn't. She had rationalized her actions with the idea that Tiana and I wouldn't be able to eat two cakes...But we could eat both cakes. That would be one each. But the plan wasn't for us to eat both cakes. It was to use one for the party and to save one for ourselves. Duh! That's why we asked for two. Grandma shoulda asked for one. Who is she to give away something that doesn't even belong to her. (Then again if you know my grandma then you know that she gives away stuff all the time its the under her room clause. She feels she has access and dominion over anything in her domain... Its Q.C.'s law)
So when Tiana and I get home we realize we have some decisions to make. Not difficult ones but decisions none the less... How do we keep the whole cake and use the half for the party. Now to just serve half a cake on a platter would be tacky. We need to camouflage it. So we cut the cake up into little slices and fan them out on a serving dish with little slivers of candied lemons and some green leafy thing as additional garnish. (I know clever huh?)
The cake was gone before the first hour was up. It was a huge hit. And our whole cake rested nicely in our bread box away from grubby fingers and wanting eyes.
The next day we sat in the living room gorging ourselves on lemon cake and milk. (Tiana was lactose intolerant for for her this was truly an act of gluttony) Ken of course suspected that there was more cake than we had served and made his way back to our house the next day. He blackmailed us into sharing it with him by threatening to tell all of our friends that we were holding out on them. SO better to share with one other person than several. Right so we cut him in on the lemon cake caper.

Unfortunately the two cakes a year deal didn't last. Verleen had a few health issues and wasn't always up to it but I understand. No matter how much I love this cake I wouldn't risk Verleen's health to get it. (But I would be lying if I didn't say there wasn't a moment... Naw just kidding... I love Verleen)

Last year she was too sick to bake. So there was no lemon cake. The year before her daughter died and well, no cake. The year before her husband had a heartattack and well... no cake then either.... (My grandma tried to bake one and pass it off but it was a cheap copy and there is no foolin and trained pallet such as mine. It was good but it was not Verleen's lemon cake)

So, this year how excited was I when on my weekly visit to my grandmother's house she told me that Verleen had baked me a cake and she was waiting for it to cool so she could ice it! Yay! So after choir rehearsal I go to grandma's house and get me cake. Woohoo!
What does my grandmother do... She offers a piece to her next door neighbor. So boo on her for once again giving away something that doesn't belong to her... But I guess it is okay since he was the one that gave Verleen the Lemons to make the cake.

Okay... I finally get home.Eat dinner and now it is time to reward myself with a little cake... Isaac of course can't stand to see me with anything has to have a slice too... He is such a copy cat! After eating the first piece and watching a little television I decide to have a second piece. Afterall it's mine and its been years since she made a cake. It would be wrong to not indulge a little. Right? (Well that what I am going with.)

As I am cutting my second piece of cake Isaac tells me "No, you can't eat that! (what!?) Remember your goals. Don't come coplaining to me about how you need to double up on your workouts at the gym (I will and so what?!) Here's what I am gonna do for you... I am gonna take half of the cake to work with me tomorrow... blah, blah, blah...)
At this point I am laughing so hard I almost chocked. Obviously this man doesn't realize the depth of my relationship with the particular treat. Now everyone that knows me is aware of my propensity to be self indulgent and the great lengths I am will to go to satisfy this part of myself... ESPECIALLY HIM! So why oh why would this little puerto rican man

Tuesday Night

Okay, I know not a very creative title but its all I got right now. I am suffering from a mild case of writers block. So my creativity is not at its best.

Anyway, the other night I had plans with friends to hit up Da Poetry Lounge. For the past 4 Tuesday's (i think it has been four) we have been trying to get into this place but it has proven to be incredibly challenging. Now the first time we went we actually were able to make our way through those large wooden doors and enter the poetic sanctuary but unfortunately we have been unable to a second pilgrimage. Previously or obstacles ranged from the physical (the guy manning the gateway) to poor planning (we we simply late) and on our most recent attempt our failure was due to poor planning (we didn't have any cash and it was the one night of the month that there is an actual cover)
So in an effort to salvage the evening, especially since the primary goal was to spend time with the girls bonding we decided to go somewhere else and just hang out. The funniest part of this restructuring was our total lack of creativity. There was actually a moment where between the four of us we could think of nothing to do and no place to go. Did I mention we are in California standing in a parking lot on Melrose and Fairfax. Talk about spoiled Cali girls. So since I was not the only one suffering from a creative block we decided to call "Bob" See Bob is a very social guy and tends to always be on the go so we figured he would know of chill hang out spot.
To further my defense in my inability to find something creative to do... I have been having horrible phone issues and a that very day my phone crashed and rebooted itself, successfully deleting any and all "cool" information that may have been useful in that moment.

Okay back to Bob... We stood around the parking lot talking for about 45minutes. Of course flirting and harassing attractive men as the passed by (its our attempt at equality) After awhile we realized tat we are on freakin Melrose, there is always something to do... So we went to a pretty cool bookstore (yes bookstores can be cool... Shut up Isaac!)
Where we proceeded to mess with the poor guy just trying to buy some sand... Doesn' that sound odd... Its Cali, plenty of beaches and this guy is actually buying sand! Whatever...
Eventually we make our way to the every trendy Urth Cafe to nosh on some organic food and drink our green tea lattes (I am totally not making this up)

We shared stories (...We can all share our stories... Come together...with no...Worries - just for you Isaac) Expressed opinions and discovered truths about one another.
Although I must say Bob had one of the best stories about the girl sitting at the table across from us. Lets just say there was a toilet, a wad of paper and an ominous smell involved... LOL!


Of course we had the involved conversation about MJ and that was really cool but the best part of convo was the way it flowed and that had the greatest impact on me was a conversation that drifted from music and art to religion and humanity. Of course we didn't all always agree with one another but I never felt disrespected or like I wasn't being heard. We all had different moments of expressed passion as well as moments where it seemed like we were all of one mind. Even when the conversation splintered into sub-conversations it was always easy to make our way back to one another.

All in all it was a good night. I was able to reconnect to an old friend Raychel. Develop and stronger connection to a new friend Shakari, establish new boundaries with a close friend Natalie and as always enjoy the masterpiece that is Bob...
I didn't even mind getting up in the morning and going into work...Even if it was at the Bankruptcy Court.

Sherrie Q.

Grateful

I am grateful
I am Grateful everyday
I am grateful for my love, my life, my friends and my family. I am grateful forthis man who loves me and cares for me. This is a prayer, a declaration that I say everyday. A prayer that lives in my every breath.
I am grateful for all of life's blessings
I am grateful and yet my heart aches...
It longs for the love that comes with sisterhood.
The laughter, the full round laughter that comes as a natural reflection of that sisterly love. The laughter that only women can share/
My soul longs for that conversation that flows so easy from gossipy chatter to the the truth that truth that only a sister girl can know.
I long for the "hey girl" and "Girl!" and the "girrrl" that has so many meanings and can say so much.
I miss the comfort and understanding of laughter through tears. Because her tears are mine and my tears are hers.
I long for the bond that only two women can share in love and in friendship
I miss her. God I miss her.
More than my friend but my sister.

It has been a few years since Tiana dies and I still can't see to get over it, or past it. Whatever you are supposed to do when someone you love dies.
For me she was more than just my friend. It was like she understood me better than anyone else and when she dies I was afraid (and sometimes I am still afraid) that know one will ever be that close to me again.
We fought hard but no matter what I always knew she would be there. From boys to men, through college into careers we were there for each other. I have lost other people in my life, people that mean a great deal to me but I have never felt anything so deeply and completely as this.
We shared most of our "first" with one another. First date, first kiss, first boyfriend, First... (The one thing we had in common with that particular first is that they both...SUCKED!) We planned our lives together. We lived our lives together. The plan was to be fabulous women who married fabulous men and we would vacation together and raise our families together, grow old together. I used to imagine us as the coolest grandmothers in the world with many pictures on the mantel of our (mis)adventures. We would sit on the porch our one of our backyards and watch our grandkids run around while making fun of our husbands trying to get the bar-b-que grill started.
When she found out she was sick the doctors suspected she may be pregnant. So we sat down and worked out a plan to deal with the possibility of her being pregnant. We figured like everything else, w would do it together. (Besides her boyfriend at the time was a great guy and we were certain he would be around so that was defineitely not a concern) But then the doctors said CANCER! I though I was gonna fall over. She was strong and she foght until the very end.
Watching her slowly die was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
She was smart, funny, chic and sassy but best of all she was down for whatever adventure I could come up with. Whether is was trekking through the mountains of peru or climbing pyramids in Mexico, or flying to vegas for a Lenny Kravitz concert and then flying right back to go to work. She even flew to Florida with me to check out a salsa club and go to a foam party. Whatever my momentary obsession (including WWE - wrestling) she was supportive and even participated.
Even in the end whenthings were starting to really get bad she was still sassy and funny. She said she would fight until she couldn't and that is exactly what she did. Even whenthe doctors and her own family were telling her that she should just let go and that it is too much she kept fighting. But in the end she didn't win that fight. And now, I sometimes just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where to go when things becoem challenging and I don't feel like I have many people in my life that I can trust with my emotional self they way that I trusted her.

Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends but they have thier own lives and their own issues to deal with and even though I know that they love and are there for me. It just isn't the same. ther person I thought would always be there for me is still ther for me things just aren't the same. It turns out after 51/2 years toegether he realized... I am not the one! Go figure. I wanted to be mad about it, but I just can't. But when I wanted to cry about it, whenI wanted to shout about it, hit something, rage and be destructive there was no one there to do it with. So every so often I take a moment and just cry a little to myself. For myself. About the loss of a relationship but more importantly the loss of my friend.

I miss you Tiana...

Thank you Isaac for encouragening me to blog. I actualy feel alot better and unlike you, I don't care if anyone reads my blog...